Jennifer Kady Stanton

The Erosion of Autonomy: The Hidden Costs of Dependency
By Jennifer Kady Stanton

For years, I wore my self-proclaimed badge of independence as a charm, displaying it to everyone, proudly telling my story of hyperindependence and how I did not need anyone to survive. While I welcomed another hyperindependent soul to walk alongside me, I thought that maintaining my independence was what I wanted from my life.

As I continue to walk on this winding path of life, I’ve grown to realize that hyperindependence, or even just plain independence, is not what I want. I do not want to be an island, meeting all of my own needs, only sometimes walking alongside another person. But I also know that I never want to be dependent, losing myself to another person, knowing that I could not survive without them.

I have grown to realize that what I was seeking was not complete hyperindependence, but autonomy. Autonomy would allow me to keep all the things that made me who I am. It allows me to make my own decisions, choose my career path, use my own judgment, and maintain hobbies and friendships outside a romantic relationship, while still valuing influence and support from others. But yet, even that was not enough. What I was also striving for was interdependence: two whole people who rely upon each other, but do not depend on each other to survive.

Autonomy is a skill that erodes when it is not utilized. This doesn’t happen overnight, but in daily decisions that erode one’s capabilities and potential. That loss often feels invisible until you look back, which I believe over time prevents true interdependence and instead replaces it with dependency.

There are things that this essay is not. It is not about the tired trope of criticizing stay-at-home or working moms. I celebrate stay-at-home moms and dads. I think they have strong bodies of work that are deeply, deeply meaningful and contribute to society. I applaud parents who work outside the home and juggle family responsibilities. They also have so much to be proud of. I applaud couples who choose not to have children; you have so much to offer our society, and individuals who remain unmarried and childless. Your bodies of work offer us so much. This essay is not about any of those things, but it is also about not being so hyperindependent that we reject help and connection.

This essay is about embracing interdependence, where we learn to rely on each other without surrendering our own capabilities. It is about maintaining autonomy, about maintaining one’s own judgment, capabilities, and identities while still being connected to others, even those we love and marry.

The dangers of dependency seem to be everywhere lately. So many individuals seem disillusioned by our work culture, and I get it. The cost of living has not kept pace with salaries, and this is a massive issue. Unfair housing and employment policies have pushed people to feel like they want to just enjoy life and throw in the towel.

Increasingly, there seems to be a cultural trend that life will be much easier if someone just takes care of you, thereby normalizing dependency. This can affect all genders and ages. In the article “Ex-tradwives over 35 detail dark side of the viral lifestyle”, an ex-tradwife chronicles her growing financial, physical, emotional, and mental dependence upon her partner. Divorced at 38 with seven children, she has had to rebuild her life from the ground up after experiencing extreme dependency, something that her younger self thought would lead to an easier life. (Grace, 2026) However, there are numerous other lifestyles which can also create this dynamic, reduce autonomy, and create dependency.

Recently, I wrote about the erosion of skills that comes with technological advancement. Since I now type everything, I’m losing the ability to handwrite. I can no longer spell thanks to spell check, and I fear that critical thinking skills may be outsourced to AI. Similarly, those who depend on a partner will also lose skills. I am seeing far too many people willingly give up their autonomy and gradually surrender their own judgment and skills that may be needed in the future for the allure of a seemingly easier life.

This world is uncertain, and there may come a time when a two-income salary is necessary, not by choice. Time goes by quickly. Before you know it, you are out of the workforce for over a decade, and the world has moved on without you. You may not have the skills to easily re-enter the job force when it’s needed, either by death, divorce, illness from your partner, or the economy.
You may never need to return to work, but I’d highly encourage those who do not to keep their skills sharp. Keep yourself sharp. Doing so prevents dependency and a loss of autonomy, which is the true danger.

I’m seeing more people become overly dependent upon their partners, as their sole source of emotional, mental, and economic support. They seem to be losing so many skills. I’ve asked an individual a question, only to have them look to their partner before speaking. I’ve seen others willingly give up their vote to their spouse, even partners who are placed on financial allowances. In addition to economic dependency (stay-at-home parents can achieve economic autonomy with a strong financial agreement), I’ve seen many people not develop their own friendships outside the relationship, independent interests or goals.

This is not to say that mutual friendships, hobbies, and interests are not vital to a relationship. These aspects bond couples together. I am here to argue that they cannot be the only aspects within that relationship. To do otherwise not only erodes autonomy, but also hinders personal development and growth.

Our world seems to be becoming increasingly unaffordable and difficult to navigate, let alone a space where one can thrive. Issues such as poverty, caregiving, and disability can create obstacles to autonomy and can limit choices. This essay is also not about blaming those who have limited options, but in protecting autonomy whenever it is possible, because the price of giving away one’s autonomy is higher than we may realize.

A strong relationship will strengthen your autonomy, not diminish it. It will help you to grow both in and outside of the relationship. It will keep your skills sharp, develop your own social circles in addition to mutual ones, and maintain your autonomy, because the healthiest relationships are not built upon two people who cannot live without each other, but by two people who understand that they are stronger together than they are apart.

Two whole people can move mountains together.

References
Grace, A. (2026, July 7). Exclusive | Ex-tradwives over 35 detail dark side of the viral lifestyle. New York Post. Retrieved July 20, 2026, from https://nypost.com/2026/07/07/lifestyle/ex-tradwives-over-35-deatil-dark-side-of-the-viral-lifestyle/